As you shakily relieve yourself at the urinal, banish needless worries that the guy next to you is looking at your winkle by taking in the glorious graphic design of the terrible advertising aimed at gay men.
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Don’t assume everyone queuing for a cubicle is going to do drugs or get bummed. Nearly always as horrible as the toilets in the very worst straight pubs. Is this tonic slimline, by the way? I asked for slimline.
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If the bar staff flirt with you, go with it because it might mean you get a free drink. The drinksĬocktail ordering is not compulsory. The thing to remember is that LGBT people ONLY are allowed to slate a bar’s music policy – the fact you don’t know how who Hazell Dean is or think the bass is too loud is of precisely zero interest. All the songs we never dared put on the jukebox on the Hat & Fan, all the stuff we listened to on headphones in case the neighbours heard it, it’s all here. This can often come as a surprise to the gay people who’ve endured years of generic Nineties pop, dick-throbbing house music, an array of weave-snatching R&B divas, back-to-back Bowie deep cuts and disco. The musicĪs any gay guy who’s chatted up another man only to be told that he’s straight and “just here for the music” will tell you, most straight blokes’ curiosity seems to run only as far as the tunes we play. Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t be perfectly happy to watch two guys doing right in front of you. We don’t mind what you do in the privacy of your own homes, but please don't shove it down our throats. But if you do hook up with someone, try and keep it clean. You’re a cool guy not a bigot, sure, but the thing is you all look the same, and we’ve no way of knowing.Īny straight women in the place – and some of these women might be trans too, remember, because that’s the way this works – are very unlikely to be on the hunt for a straight guy in a gay bar. Decent places for gay, bi and trans women are already pretty thin on the ground, so you can forgive them if they’re not delighted to see you.
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Most women in gay bars will be just like half of the ones you chat up in your own regular haunts, in that they too wish you wouldn’t talk to them and that you weren't there. Get your gay mate to tell them to piss off it wouldn’t sound too great coming from you. If they act like a dickhead when you turn them down, don’t be too hurt, or surprised – they’re still MEN, after all. Seriously, though, most gay men have got better things to do than waste time and alcohol on converting you. Just joking your penis doesn't have magical powers. They find you so incredibly fascinating, as soon as they catch sight of you – and you’ll be instantly recognisable as a straight guy because you'll have a haircut everyone else had two years ago – they’ll swarm around you like Chanel-drenched bees. Gay, bi and trans men come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing that unites them is you. Or it may well look just like your local. Or perhaps you’ll step into an opulent big-budget reinterpretation of a jewellery box, based on rejected designs for Coleen Rooney’s master bedroom. You may get a UV-lit, overly mirrored, joyless jizz dungeon with all the charm of a rusting fire escape. This means the quality of the decor can vary wildly, but is almost always horrid.
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The decorįor many years, most gay bar owners relied on the fact that for LGBT people, the most important thing of all is to be around like-minded people, whatever the surroundings. Pretty much everyone in there will look the same as anyone you might see down your local. Quick reminder before we go in, we’re not exhibits.